House: “Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I’m Doctor Gregory House; you can call me “Greg”. I’m one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.”
Cuddy: “Short, sweet, grab a file.”
House: “This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she’s much too busy to deal with you. I am a board … certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this hospital who is forced to be here against his will.”
House: House turns to Cuddy. “That is true, isn’t it?” He turns away.
House: “But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you’re particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It’s mine! You can’t have any! And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem … but who knows? Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m too stoned to tell. So, who wants me?”